


in front of windows

by Irrwisch



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Castiel Bears the Mark of Cain (Supernatural), Coda, Emotionally Hurt Dean Winchester, Episode: s15e09 The Trap, Gen, Goodbyes, Hurt Castiel (Supernatural), Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt No Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Ma'lak Box (Supernatural), Mark of Cain (Supernatural)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-21
Updated: 2020-05-21
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:29:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24309754
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Irrwisch/pseuds/Irrwisch
Summary: He could still save him. It’s what they did: they fixed things. But they were running out of time. Dean wished they could have more. They were supposed to go on a beach vacation together. Castiel would wear bumblebee-swimshorts and they’d be happy. If they could’ve had more time... maybe he could’ve said it to Castiel’s face then, instead.Coda to 15x09 "The Trap"
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 6
Kudos: 58





	in front of windows

Dean busted through the door, hoping against hope that he wasn’t too late. His breaths came hard and fast and then – he stopped.

Castiel stood in the middle of the room, right in front of the window. He wasn’t facing the door Dean just slammed open and everything was quiet. The room was dark; and Cas obstructed the only light source, illuminating him. That was an angel, right there, amidst the dead, because he killed them all. Dean looked at the ground. Around his feet, there were corpses, slaughtered. It reminded him too much of who he used to be and seeing it now, knowing the cause for it – it hurt.

His friend turned his head to him and Dean still believed he could be saved. Even if he could barely see Castiel in these blue eyes anymore, he still believed the angel could be saved. He had to. Nobody else believed in it anymore and he wasn’t ready to give up.

“Dean”, Castiel said.

He looked around the room and there was no remorse in his voice.

“I believe I got them all. We should leave now.”

Dean couldn’t say anything, and he also couldn’t move when Castiel came his way. That was his friend. These lifeless blue eyes were his friend. It was his fault. Everything was his fault and he didn’t know how to fix it. He lost Castiel more and more every breathing moment and he feared the day nothing would be left of him. His hand was shaking and he was still grabbing the doorknob. He didn’t know what to do.

_He knew._

“Dean”, Castiel said again and reached out to his hand, removing it gently from the door. Castiel was still there, in these rare moments. Dean swallowed down, hard, and resisted the urge to hug his friend. He didn’t have the right; he’d never have the right again.

“Are... are you okay?” He asked instead.

Castiel nodded.

“I am now.”

Yes... he’d be fine now, after killing all these people. It didn’t matter if they deserved this. It mattered that there was no remorse in Castiel’s heart after the act. Castiel left the room and Dean, having his head hung low, followed him. There was nothing else to do.

He mourned every moment he never got to have.

~

“Dean.”

He tried so very hard not to listen. He was fixated on this stupid book-page; it didn’t matter if he had no clue what it said. His hands were shaking and he wished he could have a drink. Hell, he wished he could be drunk all the time these days. But he would never forgive himself for that. Being drunk in possibly the last moments he’d ever get? He shouldn’t even be reading this book, but maybe – just maybe – there was a way to fix it in there. Because they would fix this. That’s what they _did_.

“Dean!”

Sam tore his book away from him and Dean stared at him angrily. He hated Sam. He hated Sam for his level-headedness. Fuck, he hated Castiel for the same reason. He _knew_ both of them were right, but he didn’t want to _hear it_.

“What?” He barked at Sam.

“Dean... you know it’s what we got to do.”

That motherfucker even did the puppy-eyes. They had worked so many times, Dean couldn’t even count. But not this time. Not about this.

“What, Sam? We fix this, this is what we gotta do! _That_ is not fixing it!”

Sam shook his head.

“Dean, Cas himself said –“

“Well, fucking Cas can go suck my dick then!”

Sam shut up. Dean stood up and stormed away. He was delaying the impossible, he knew that. But what else was he supposed to do? He couldn’t... he just _couldn’t._

He threw himself on his bed and curled up on it. The thought alone made him sick. There had to be a way to fix this. They always managed. They always fixed stuff. So why couldn’t they fix Cas? And why was Sam so ready to just... _give up_? He thought they were friends. They were all supposed to be brothers! You didn’t just give up on family!

“Dean.”

Dean swallowed the lump in his throat and sat up. “Hey, Cas.”

His friend moved quietly, and then sat down next to him. Dean looked over. It was Cas. It’d always be Cas. He could do this. He could save him. It’d all be alright, and then they’d go take that beach vacation. Castiel would wear swim-shorts with bees on them and they’d play ball on the sand together. Yes. That’s what they’d do, once this nightmare was done with.

“I really wanted to kill Sam when I passed him by.”

Dean didn’t know what to say. “You didn’t, though.” It was barely a whisper.

“No. But it’s getting harder to resist.” Castiel turned his head. “It’s also getting harder to resist killing you.”

He reached out and took Dean’s hand. It was nice. Castiel’s hand was warm, and a solid weight. They should’ve held more hands before.

“I think about it a lot. I could take your hand like this and just... break every finger on it. Bend them backwards, just to hear you scream.”

Dean was paralyzed. He knew these thoughts. But Cas was supposed to be stronger than this. Nothing was supposed to touch him. Castiel raised his other hand and put it on Dean’ cheek. That, too, was nice. They should’ve done that more often.

“I also think about pushing my finger into your eye and pop the eyeball out. I think about putting my fingers in your mouth and rip it open, tearing your jaw off. I think about putting my hand in your chest”, his hand left his face and was now rubbing over his chest, “just to tear your heart out. Breaking every rib you have, pierce your lungs and see the terrified look in your eyes.”

Castiel then straddled his lap, looking down at Dean.

“I think about tearing your arms off, to hear you scream. I think about ripping your legs off and tie them together.”

He held Dean’s face in his hands and pressed their foreheads together.

“I want to do all this, and I want Sam to watch. I want to hurt Sam and I want you to watch, powerless to do anything about it. I want to rip and slice and stab and kill everything. I want to hear you scream, I want to end your lives in the most painful way possible. And I can’t...”

His voice broke and he had clenched his eyes shut. Dean could just stare. He understood. He understood exactly how Cas felt. He would fix this.

“I’m gonna fix this, Cas, you just wait and see.”

Castiel shook his head and something akin to a broken sob escaped him.

“Dean, you _can’t_. And even if it was possible, I don’t have enough time. You know that. Dean, please. Please. I don’t want this. I don’t want this to become a reality, Dean, _please..._ ”

Dean hugged his angel. They were shaking. He knew. Of course he knew. Castiel had been so strong resisting for as long as he did.

“Stay with me tonight”, Dean whispered. He needed Cas to be with him until the end. He didn’t know how he’d cope after his friend was gone.

“I’m afraid I’ll hurt you.”

Castiel’s eyes were big and blue and there was the angel he’d always known. The one that’d been with him for so long; that has died for him. He could never be afraid of this Castiel.

Dean shook his head. “You won’t, angel. You won’t.”

“Your faith in me is astounding.”

“Cas... you’re the only thing I’ve ever had faith in.”

They huddled together and Dean held tight on that trench coat. He didn’t want to sleep, but Cas would watch over him, one last time. He wished they’d had more time. More time to hurt each other again and again; and find each other again and again.

~

The next morning, Cas was still here, watching Dean. He smiled. “Hey, Cas.”

“Hello, Dean.”

It was the last time he’d hear these words and it _hurt_. He searched for Cas’ hand and squeezed it. This couldn’t be happening. Surely, Sam would bust in the room any second and proclaim he’d found a cure. But Sam never came. Castiel kept looking at him with these unwavering eyes. He’d miss those most of all. He scooted closer to Cas and hugged him tight – it was weird while they were laying down, but what did it matter? What did anything matter anymore?

“Let’s go.”

Castiel nodded and Dean’s heart broke.

~

Dean couldn’t let go of Cas’ hand. Sam was standing behind them and he was snivelling. Normally, Dean would tease him for that but – not now. It took everything he had not to break down crying. The monster sat right there, as innocent as a table – the Ma’lak Box.

Castiel was oddly composed but then again; Castiel always did what needed to be done. It didn’t mean that Dean could. He was shaking and Castiel squeezed his hand tighter. This wasn’t how it was supposed to end. It was supposed to end with the three of them together. Him, Sam and Cas. Team Free Will.

Sam put a hand on Cas’ shoulder. “Cas, I... I’m going to miss you.” That was all? Castiel turned to Sam and hugged him – Dean hated that he let go of his hand for that.

“I’m going to miss you as well, Sam. I hope you can forgive me one day.”

Sam shook his head: “There’s nothing to forgive, Cas.”

Castiel stepped back and looked at Dean. Dean couldn’t return the look. It meant good-bye, and he’d never be ready for that. Castiel’s hand was soft on his back.

“Dean, you know it must be done.”

He stepped forward to the box and stepped inside. Dean didn’t want to look. He wanted to run and when he came back, he wanted everything to be fine. Cas and Sam would be sitting in the library, talking about ancient texts and chastise him for just going out like that.

Castiel was sitting inside the box now and he looked up at Dean, smiling.

“It’s going to be fine.”

He lay down and looked at them again. Dean took a step and put his hand on the lid. If he closed it, that would be it. Castiel would be gone. His hand was shaking and there were un-spilled tears in his eyes. He couldn’t do it. But he couldn’t let Sam help him. It had to be him. This was his box, his angel and his responsibility.

Castiel smiled with warm eyes. Dean wished for more time. He wished for a sudden cure. Anything. He’d gladly give his own soul to whoever would take it if it meant he wouldn’t have to close the lid.

“Sam. Dean. I love you. I love _both_ of you. And I’m so proud to have known you. I’m so glad our paths have crossed and that I was able to stay with you. I want to thank you. For everything you’ve done and for everything you will still do. I want you to know that I’m forever proud of you. Dean”, his tone was softer now, “please. I want you to remember me as me. But could you... do me one small favour?”

Dean just nodded silently. He couldn’t speak. What was there to say? He wiped the tears out of his eyes because this was the last time he’d be able to see Cas. He was smiling.

“Please, Dean, I... I want to see your smile, just one last time. Can you do this for me?”

How could he deny that wish?

So he smiled. Not his cocky, charming grin, no. Castiel wouldn’t want that. Dean couldn’t stop the tears, but he smiled. Castiel smiled back and he was shining. Dean closed the lid and he kept smiling and the very last moment.

He locked the lid and then he broke down.

He didn’t wail. He just cried.

At some point, he told Sam to leave him alone.

Castiel was gone.

Castiel was gone forever.

He wished he wasn’t so much of a fool.

“I love you, Cas.”


End file.
